Book of Mormon: Day 224: Letting go of Guilt

Today’s Reading: Alma 42:29

29 And now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance.

“Stop the car!” my brother yelled. My step-dad soon complied and our little red car halted to a stop on the dusty, gravel roads of Montana. Logan got out of the car, slamming the door behind him and trudged off down the wheat field-lined road.

All our lives my twin brother and I–the only children in our family, swung between being best friends and worst enemies. And when we fought. . .we fought hard; but still it had never gotten this bad.

We were on a road trip. And road trips never went well for us. They were too long and we had too little space. It was like forcing two Siamese Fighting Fish to live together in a little tin can–a scuffle was inevitable. So before long, we were arguing about who was on the other person’s side of the car, breathing each other’s air–that kind of thing. The arguing escalated into pushes, which erupted into a full-blown fist fight. When I found myself being pummeled into the car door, I realized that somewhere along the road to adolescence, my brother had gotten bigger and stronger than me. I didn’t stand a chance. When my fists proved inadequate, I decided to pull out another weapon–words.

Like a fire-breathing dragon I seared him with my words. I criticized him. I belittled him. I said things that I didn’t even believe, just knowing they would deliver a low blow. Finally, the world seemed to stop–I had gone too far. My brother paused and withdrew his fists. My physical pain started to dissipate. But his pain? . . . We were practically nose-to-nose at this point, our eyes fixed on each other. and I could see pain in his eyes like I had never seen before.

What had I done?!

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It was at this point that the command was given to stop the car. Agony and anger were evident in his gait. He walked for 5 miles–almost 2 hours until he got to the next town and reluctantly returned to the car.

As we resumed the drive in silence, the air was rife with his pain and my regret.

Even after returning home to Canada, my guilt was immense. And as time passed, my remorse grew to fill the void once occupied by anger. How could I have thrown all caution to the wind and hurt him like that? How could I have violated the trust that he had given me by taking advantage of his vulnerabilities?! When my Dad heard of this situation, he was deeply hurt as well and so my regret grew.

I apologized to Logan. Again and again I apologized. But I knew that I couldn’t take those words back. So I felt like I needed to apologize over and over if I was ever to heal the damage I caused. Years later, on my mission, I wrote him a letter and apologized yet again. He wrote me back. His answer went something like this:

It’s OK. You’ve apologized. I know you’re sorry. You don’t have to keep beating yourself up about this. I’ve moved past it and you can too.

In effect, he was teaching me the same principle that Alma taught his son Corianton– “only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance”. In other words, the Lord gives us guilt to motivate us to repentance. Once repentance is complete, our sins need not burden us any longer. I had asked for forgiveness (from my brother and the Lord) and I had restored my relationship with Logan. The guilt had fulfilled its purpose, and now it was time to let the Savior fulfill his purpose. As Elder Bednar has said:

Guilt is to our spirit what pain is to our body—a warning of danger and a protection from additional damage. From the Atonement of the Savior flows the soothing salve that can heal our spiritual wounds and remove guilt [i].

GUILT IS TO OUR SPIRIT WHAT PAIN IS TO OUR BODYA WARNING OF DANGER AND A PROTECTION FROM ADDITIONAL DAMAGE.

Through this experience, I gained a testimony of the power of repentance and forgiveness. I also gained a greater appreciation for the Atonement of my Savior who made it possible to repent, so that I can let go of my sins and the pain that accompanies them.

Regret is a teacher–the key is to get its message and then let the messenger go -Joan Borysenko

 

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  • Oh dear, you did it again! More tears. What a powerful example of forgiving ourselves and not letting past sins weigh us down. Absolutely beautiful Courtney. Very timely as well because I was just rehashing an old mistake I’d made mere minutes ago on my knees. I had already come to the conclusion that it was over and I needed to let it go, but sometimes I am stunned by Heavenly Father’s reminders. Seriously. Thank you for being so in tune.

    • Oh my goodness! Thank you so much Jeni! That means so much to me that my post helped you personally. Thank you for your kind words!