Finding Forgiveness Through the Atonement

I was recently asked to participate in a Sunday lesson for my friend’s Young Women group in her ward. The lessons in the month of March are focused on the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I shared with the girls my experience  at Columbine High School on April 20, 1999. Most of the girls, were not even born yet when the school shooting happened nearly 17 years ago. I knew I needed to give them a brief background on the events of that day.

I explained that I  was in PE class that day when I heard two gun shots up the hall from me and saw the smoke from the gun billowing just feet away. I ran with my class, and hid in a closet. I eventually ran out of the school and to the public library where I waited for over three hours to be reunited with my family.

As I shared my story the room was silent, and I felt as if they were clinging to every word I was speaking.

My story of survival that day can be intriguing and emotional. I did not want to fill them with fear and worry in an already scary world, so I then focused on  the lessons I have learned since then. My story is so much more than what happened to me in the school. Through the gift of the Atonement and the love of my Savior, I have been able to find forgiveness, joy, peace and happiness in my life.

I continue to learn so much as I try hard to stay close to the Spirit. One of the biggest hurdles in my life after going through  a school shooting was being able to find forgiveness.

For many years I was very bitter, sad, angry, and depressed. I truly felt as if I could not be happy, and felt guilty if I found myself going back to “normal”. I thought I needed to be in a state of sadness in order for my feelings to be validated. I questioned my self-worth and I mourned my loss of innocence.

No matter what our trial- big or small- it can be easy to find ourselves feeling those emotions. Those feelings might come because you need to find forgiveness, or gain acceptance or understanding of the Lord’s will. I am grateful for the knowledge and the experiences I have had in my life that have helped me know that I do not have to do this alone. None of us do. Because of the healing power of the Atonement, we can find forgiveness, peace and hope in our lives.

“Because of the Atonement, the Savior has the power to succor- to help- every mortal pain and affliction”– Dallin H. Oaks  source

What an amazing promise!

Yet, it was a  huge hurdle for me to learn how to apply the Atonement in my life in order to receive the blessings I desperately needed.

A few short months after the shooting I remember I was in the car with my mom and we were going to the grocery store. We drove past Columbine High School and I noticed there was a group of people outside the school, taking pictures and walking around as if my school was just the latest tourist attraction. It was always hard for me see the media and other people always hanging around. It was a bitter reminder to me that my school was no longer “my school,” but something much more to so many people.

At that time I began to sob.  I can’t recall everything I said, but I know I was hurt and my heart was breaking all over again. As we  sat in the parking lot of the grocery store, I do remember what my wise mother told me.

She said:

“I want you to know that you won’t always feel this way. You won’t always be sad and hurting. And there will come  a time where there will be days, weeks months even- between the tears. It might be hard right now, and that’s okay, but I promise you won’t always feel like you do right now. It will get better. “

At 15 years old I didn’t know if I believed her. I could not see past the next day and I could not fathom ever being happy again. Looking back I have learned that there were many things that eventually led to me finding forgiveness and peace in my life. And I know  I could not have done it without my Savior,  Jesus Christ.

Although I made mistakes along the way, I found comfort in going to church each Sunday, attending Seminary and mutual weekly, attending Family Home Evening with my family, paying my tithing,  saying my prayers, and holding on to what testimony I had and not letting go.

When going through trials and hard days, the adversary makes it seem so much easier or more appealing to fall away from the commandments.  And because of the Atonement, when we stumble, we can also pick ourselves up again and continue to move forward.

“If you stumble, rise up, go on.” – Boyd K. Packer

Feeling true peace and true happiness for myself came only when I relied on my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. As I continued to align my life with the Spirit, I was filled with hope and comfort and healing. Although I still struggle with anxieties because of my experience, I have faith that my Savior is by my side.

I cannot pinpoint an exact time that forgiveness was found, I just know that over time I began to be filled with light and happiness again. I was no longer bitter or dwelling on the things I couldn’t change.

As my perspective began to change  I was able to recognize the blessings in my life and my eyes were opened to the miracles that surrounded me on April 20th.

I ran with half of my gym class into the school’s gymnasium where we then hid in an equipment closet located at the back of the gym. The principal of my school was also with us. When we got to the closet, he realized the door was locked. With him, he had a key ring with at least 20 different keys on it. He did not know which key would unlock the door but was prepared to go through each and every one to unlock it. When seconds were vital, this could have made the difference between safety and danger for us.

The very first key he tried- unlocked the door.

I know this was a miracle and I know we were not alone that day.

I know that even when we are going through hard times that the Lord already  has a plan in place that can help us get through it.  As we use the Atonement to change our lives, we are able to see the tender mercies given to us in our darkest hours, and it is easier to notice the blessings surrounding us.  My life was changed once I chose to  to focus on the good, and find forgiveness in my heart.

That was the message I shared with the Young Women :

• That when you feel you are alone- know that you aren’t. When you want to give up- don’t. Believe there is good ahead and that the Lord is there for you. Do the things that will help you be close to the Spirit so you can have a close relationship with your Savior.

And most importantly, use the Atonement in your life every day.  View the Atonement as the gift in your life that is is –  cherish it, protect it, and use it. We are able to be comforted, healed and buoyed up because of it.